ok friends. honesty time.
i am afraid to come home. what if....what if i haven't changed? what if i wasted my time here? what could i have done to spend more time with God? why did i connect with home so much? why did i not go out and explore more? do i regret my time here?
ok. those are my thoughts.
and time to think logically about these and answer these questions.
first of all. these questions are showing that i am not trusting God and that i am doubting and having fears. which is human. but i think that acknowledging these things, that i have indeed changed. it's just the start of an adventure...there are going to be changes in my heart when i get home as well. this is just the start of something great.
ok. so question...doubt number 1...i have changed. done.
doubt number 2...oh please. how could i have wasted time here? there were days that i did do nothing...a lot of days where i did nothing. but i don't think i necessarily wasted them. i learned a lot about myself those days. and there were a lot of days where i did lay around and read and just stay at the house. and i'm ok with that. i read. a lot. and i loved it.
one thing i could have done to spend more time with God was not talk to people at home. stayed off the computer. had more discipline. and really taken advantage of the time i had here...with doing "nothing" and read the bible and all those good things.
why did i connect with home so much?....because i have never done something like this and adventure. i could have stayed away from it more. it is only 3 months of my life. not like it's forever. somedays it did feel like forever. and now that it's almost over i am having a hard time being excited about being here and also about going home. there are so many conflicting emotions going on. i am an emotional roller coaster right now. BUT! i have not cried once since i have been here. well that can be looked at as an accomplishment or a sign that i don't have any emotion...psh. why cry? there have been tears of joy on numerous occasions about how overwhelmed i am by God's greatness. i am in freakin' australia folks! it is such a huge adventure and just a huge party in my heart. everyday. some parties are more "extravagant" than other days where i notice God's beauty just everywhere...and other days where it's a "little get together" where it's a day where i get to spend time and reflect on the adventure that is going on in my heart.
mmm. God is so good. i love Him.
this past week...well i guess just today and yesterday have been a little frustrating for me. just because i want everything to be so great and amazing all the time that i am wanting there to be a change in my life and that people notice ME when i come home that i am totally messing up the reason for being here. first of all. you cannot force change. only God can change the heart. and thank you jenna friend for the wisdom that you have been given so that you can share it with people like me. my prayer has been God please change my heart and make it like a heart like Yours. and since there is a "deadline" for when this has to happen....i was hoping it would have happened by now....i am stressing out. first of all. there is NO deadline. this is just the start of something wonderful. and changes can happen back in salt lake. australia is not the only place for great things to happen. and secondly, God's timing. and thirdly, stop trying to force things! i can't change my heart. AND. wow. i am so shocked at myself. i want people to notice what "I" did, how great "I" am....woah. hold up. shameful moment. i am so sorry God that i even thought those things. YOU need to be the One that is praised. thank You for the wonderful changes that You have already done in my life and for the wonderful blessings that You have so graciously blessed me daily with. thank You. thank You for being a compassionate, loving, caring God. thank You for all that You are. thank You for being my Joy.
ok. why did i not go out and explore more? because i was at the house reading. and there were times where i did go out and explore. and there honestly is not a lot of exciting things to do in brisbane. and that's ok. it was not a goal to go out and tour all of australia...it was an adventure to grow closer to God. i didn't know how that would look. and me staying at the house and reading was just great for me. not much to do in rain anyways....one of God's wonderful blessings.
and do i regret my time here...or i guess a better way of saying it would be do i regret how i spent my time here? no.
my favorite parts of australia were spent at hillsong. when i would just stare in awe at God's beautiful creation. for example...tonight. i went out to get the mail and it was dark out and i was a little afraid of running into a snake or a poison toad or a spider crawling across my foot....highly unlikely since it is around 50 degrees....but i'm not thinking about that when all i have been told about australia are the spiders and snakes....and have i seen much of those? no. anyways! i was getting the mail and i looked out towards the west and the sun had not finished setting. and the clouds...the colors. oh my goodness. the deepest dark red purple that i have ever seen. the sky was on fire. and it was beautiful. i just stood out there just watching it. and i am sad to admit i didn't enjoy it longer because i was afraid of the bugs. bugs. out in this weather? no way. (i am wearing a long sleeve and pants and i am freezing. in australia? friends...i guess it does get cold here)....so i am glad to say that everything is a learning experience. and that nothing is a regret. ok. creation....i love God's creations. especially sleeping out under the stars. there are so many "new" stars to look at. and i love it when there are those clear nights when i can actually look out and see them. and the rain. i love it.
everything out here has been so great. and i am sad that it is coming to an end. just because it feels like i just got here.
the verse for the week has been "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 peter 5:7. and i am still struggling with the "fear" about going home. it's a constant battle in my heart right now. i need to stop thinking about forcing changes upon myself. everything happens due to God's perfect timing. friends, if you could pray for me this week and these last couple of days that i am here and when i do finally reach home. just need to make the most of each day and be thankful for all that God has done. 1 thessalonians 5:16-18 are also some dear verses that i visit daily....be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.....
saying "see you later" to something that has been part of my life for the past 3 months....almost 3 months. where it's all i have known and experienced on my own and that has been so life changing...something that will always be very close and dear to my heart....that's tough.
but it's life. and we are not going through it alone.
praise God.
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