why?

why do i need to love these kids? why should i? what have they given me for them to earn my love to them? why be kind, why share Your love? hmmm? why God? why?! i don't want to. i give up. 

keep going. keep going.....

wow. what a great night. and i say this with the best of attitudes. thank You God for this night. 

oh how in a moment i can let my anger rise and flare and just want to lash out at the children! and who do i think i am?...miss high and mighty...the ruler and the judge of what's right and fair. who am i to even say that? woah...God, You are the Judge...i am in no way fit for that position. i think of the shack when i judge someone. that is not my place. and it is always a very humbling experience when i recognize my actions.

and for me to be selfish and not want to share God's love...well isn't it supposed to be...if i am so overflowing with God's grace and goodness and am just overflowing with His love, aren't i supposed to want to share it all? the thing is....i want to keep it all and i feel like i have the right to "share" it with whomever i see fit, the people that I LOVE. well. that's why i pray, God please love these people....i can't and i don't want to honestly. so You do it. well....i believe that in order to share that love with what i have, i have to let go of myself and just let God live through me. wow. what a great way to end the day...too bad it doesn't always happen where i want to start the day this way. and i have these life lessons when i am tired and exhausted from the kids. and the truth is, i am not even around the kids all day. i think that it is just such a huge learning lesson and it's hard working on letting go of myself and what i think is "right" and letting God live and be REAL and the RULER of my life. and that's the daily struggle i am going through day in and day out. and it is truly exhausting...for me.

anyways, the point of this post was to say what a great God we truly have. "keep going. keep going..." don't give up, PERSEVERE. and those words are just so comforting to me, especially when they come from my King, my Lover, my God.

keep going. keep going. fight the good fight (2 timothy 4:7).

and woah...this came to mind:

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' matthew 25:40 [niv].

And the King will reply to them, Truly I tell you, in so far as you did it for one of the least [[a]in the estimation of men] of these My brethren, you did it for Me. matthew 25:40 [amplified].

Then those 'sheep' are going to say, 'Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?' Then the King will say, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.' matthew 25:37-40 [the message].

God, please just change my heart. please help me to love these children. and all that come into my life. change my heart to be one like Yours. 

persevere. keep going. discipline the mind. discipline the emotions. 

keep going. keep going.....